we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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