he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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