Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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