I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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