Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
