I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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