i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
