remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
