Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
