I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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