Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
