How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
