my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
