That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
