On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
