I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My vagina just recognized that song.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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