The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize