You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
