she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
