He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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