Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Randomize
