Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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