You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
