a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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