Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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