It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My bed smells like the plague
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