Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
