Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
