My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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