OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize