'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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