she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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