i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
