Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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