Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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