Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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