True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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