i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
