I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize