you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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