You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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