I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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