cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
