You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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