Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
