Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
