Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
