my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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