can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
