I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
