What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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