I faked an abortion last night.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize