It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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