I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
