the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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