I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize