wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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