I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
