Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Come share oat with me in your robe
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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