life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have fence marks all over my body
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
