Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
