Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
