Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
